19 Feb

Blog it out, girl

Earlier this morning I was up on the fireplace hearth putting the finishing touches on my chalk paint fail redo when I was overcome with dizziness. Now I’m stuck in bed trying to keep water and crackers down (gotta love flu season) annoyed that the reveal will be delayed.

ain't got time #deeconstruct

That’s what I’m saying Sweet Brown, that’s what I’m saying.

For a while now I’ve been wanting to expand the blog into more than it is. I enjoy most things DIY and updating ya’ll on my projects but the truth is I love to write, period. Waaay back when MySpace was boss I used to compose little diddys. That set-up even had it where you could add moods and songs to accompany your thoughts. So when I succumbed to peer pressure switched over to Facebook I copied them over into my notes.

And boy am I glad I did.

Long before I realized my love for paint and power nailers, I was an impressionable 14-year-old girl trying to get to 5th hour English class. Crisscrossing hallway traffic I ran into this guy (literally) who would forever change my life but that’s a story for another time. For now, here’s a picture to make you laugh.

homecoming dance #deeconstructed

Holy big hair batman. This guy was something else {and I’m not just talking about his mullet or hi-gloss wingtips}. Throughout our ups and downs he always told me I was going to be someone; make something of myself some day. Today is his birthday.

Current mood: sad
Category: Life
Listening to: Memories, Elvis Presley

April 11, 1996. I’ll never forget that day. I was at work, it was slow…a rainy spring day. The lot was full of cars that weren’t moving. His car drove right to left in front of the main showroom window. Turned at the side of the building towards the rear garage. I ran to the back door to find out why he was there. What did he want? Why was he still bothering me??? But, the car wasn’t there. I ran to the service center–did anyone know where the white Pontiac had gone? They looked at me like I was nuts. This was a Jeep dealership.

I was annoyed. Again he had invaded my space. Enough already. You left me. You decided you wanted her and you left me. I dealt with it…now let me be. I had moved on. In a few weeks I’d be leaving for Texas, off we go into the wild blue yonder…to the next phase of my life. I was done with the past and the pain. Yet, he couldn’t…wouldn’t let me move on. I was angry.

On the way home, I started to think about what would happen if I never saw my friends again. Sure, things were quiet now but what if we went to war? What if I was deployed? What if is a mighty thing…I decided to soothe my conscience by checking in with those I was close to…to say goodbye to them while I had the chance. If nothing else, I’d be gone for at least 6 years. That was enough time to warrant a phone call. Right?

I started with Jenny and Marcie, Maureen, Maggie….on down the list.. Melancholy caught up with me when I decided to call him. I wanted to wish him well. No hard feelings. I wasn’t sure he’d be working. I tried anyhow.

“Who?…Jim who? lemme see if he’s working today”….dead silence….click, click….”hello? you were looking for Jimmy? Jimmy Garcia? ma’am..I don’t know how to tell you this..but Jimmy’s dead maybe you outta call the family”

Ha. Funny. What a kidder you always were Brown. Real fucking funny.

I started to panic when I realized I never told them who I was. He had no idea it was me on the line. This was long before the days of caller id. And even then, a nursing home wouldn’t have bothered investing in the upgrade. What an ass. What if it had been Vanessa calling? Or Sue? They certainly wouldn’t have thought it was funny. And…he had just driven past work that morning….why was it ok for him to screw with me but I couldn’t call him? He lived to taunt me.

Oh well. I had another name on my list. I dialed Javier’s number. That would serve him right. He hated Javier. He hated that we were still friends. He hated that I wouldn’t let him go. His aunt had married Javi’s father which made them cousins. Sometimes unforseen victories are just as sweet.

When his cousin’s girlfriend answered the phone and realized it was me she was hysterical. “Where have you been??? Why haven’t you called?? Vanessa is trying to find you!” WTF? Great, what is she pissed about this time?? Did she know he drove by? Wait, was that HER trying to find me today?…”We need to know the song Deanna…what song did he want? He said only you knew….”

And then I realized you beat me to goodbye. You never did let me get a step ahead. Until the very end you eluded me.

Remember that night you called? You said that I would know…no matter how far from you I was…in my heart, I’d know you were gone. I would be one of the first to know. And when I knew, you made me promise I’d play your song. I’m sorry I didn’t make it in person that day. I’m sorry I couldn’t bring myself to be by your side as they lowered you into the ground. I knew the drama that would bring and you had more than anyone’s share in life, I saw no point of it in death.

I waited. I waited until I could do it my way. On my time, on my terms. Finally, I had the upper hand. I found comfort knowing you were there to hear me. That for once you couldn’t push me away. But in that comfort I found pain. I will never hear your answers to my many questions. Lost forever are those. Buried with your soul.

jdg I believe that because of you I am who I am today. Though I often wish things had been different, I wouldn’t trade a single day that I had with you. I know, in your own way, you loved me as much as you were able. I know, even though you were reluctant to show it, you loved me. And that is enough.

I believe that the way in which you are first loved will determine the way in which you give love. You taught me that nothing in love is easy, much in love is not fair, but all in love is worthwhile. Some loves are meant to be brief and some shall endure a lifetime…none, however, is represented by the hands on a clock only by the beat of your heart.

I talked to your son today. I know you orchestrated that. You aren’t as present in my life as you once were, but every now and then the radio will remind me as does the scent of your cologne that you are still with me. I know you’re out there and I know I’ll see you again one day.

He would have been 39 today. So much has changed since I was that young, stupid lovestruck girl. My life is very different {thankfully} than when I originally shared this story with my MySpace pals. Back then I wrote as a realease, not as a psuedo-profession. I’ve grown. My writing style has evolved. But I am still trying to ‘make it’ and be somebody.

Today seems like a good day to incorporate more of my real life, my true story, into the blog. It’ll give me something to do while I wait for paint to dry.

…and some things won’t ever change. I love you always Brown. Happy Birthday.

4 thoughts on “Blog it out, girl

  1. That was a wonderful, heartfelt story. So raw. You have a way of drawing the reader in! Hope you are feeling better very soon…enjoy your reminiscing and sharing of stories until you can DIY again.

  2. oh, Dee….. you brave, wonderful, amazing girl. yes, you are, indeed, a writer! your story is so moving, so real, so honest, and it is with a heavy heart that i read parts of it – because i've been there, too. recently. you've captured so much of the emotion of losing young love that my heart is crying again. thank you for 'being real' and sharing this part of yourself…

    and you know, when i think about it, it's actually a bit like a remodel project: you have to rip away a lot to get to the foundations. then you can rebuild. <3

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