13 Apr

Bonbons on the Casting Couch

Let me just say the range of emotions I’ve experienced over the last 24-hours is enough to have me running to Walgreens for a stick to pee on. I assure you, however, I am not expecting  just a tad weepy because my 15 minutes of fame lasted a whopping 15 seconds. I’m definitely in need of some chocolate. Let me explain…

A couple weeks back I was all snuggled in bed anxiously awaiting a new installment of my favorite show Flea Market Flip. Dude, have you seen this show? Lara Spencer is all sassy in her too-school-for-cool outfits running around trash heaven telling self-proclaimed design gurus what’s what. That alone is enough to make me crush.

But get this, after they blow through HGTV’s $500 bucks (too much in my opinion – if you can’t get a sweet score for $25 or less – it’s not a score) they take their loot back to a workshop where master craftsmen help magically transform the junk to jewels.

Carpenter Genie

Yes, Virginia, there is a carpentry genie.

When all the handiwork is complete, they head back to the market to flip their finds. Whoever makes a bigger profit at day’s end wins $5000 cash and the right to trash talk the other team. Of course, there’s trash talking throughout but now it’s justified.

Anyone who has been around these parts longer than 2 minutes knows what a top notch trash talker I am. So can this show be any more freaking fitting for me? No. It simply can’t. Which is why I was über stoked the night I was hunkered down questioning 90% of Team FrouFrou’s design choices when I got this tweet:

@deeconstruct Feel free to ask any questions about the projects or ideas about something you want to do/make.

— David Dall (@DavidDall1) March 15, 2013

…and fell out of bed in love. This time I was on the other side of the cyber-stalking!

Friends on Facebook saw how giddy I was after reading David’s comment on my blog saying how awesome {read: crazy} I am. Apparently, being “nuttier than a peach orchard boar” is exactly the personality trait his people look for in show contestants and he had passed my info on to casting.

People, are you picking up what I’m putting down? HGTV wanted me to apply for Flea Market Flip! I was excited that social media had opened this door for me. To put it another way, I was all omg, omg, omg, breathe. Think. Call Mom.

Thankfully, my mom has known me all of my life and is able to interpret the nonsense I spew at 35 mph over a horrible cell connection. When I came up for air she quickly asked who my partner would be. I answered, “that’s the BEST part….Evey lives in Jersey so I’ll fly out and we’ll meet for the first time on camera!” It was suddenly so clear why two kindred spirits found each other in the vast blogging interworld of the web and could now solidify their BFF status before a live studio audience (not really). And “wouldn’t that just make the show’s ratings soar?” I had it all worked out in my head.

Skimming the casting agent’s email, I caught that the applications were due by each team member by Monday (it was Friday) and if selected (based on before & after photo submissions) interviews would be conducted on Wednesday (it’s still Friday). Plenty of time!

Stars and planets aligned? Check. Three sample projects selected? Check. Airline tickets booked? In progress…

…when good old level-headed Mom reminded me that Evey was in the hospital. {dream crusher}

I’m not gonna lie. That reality threw me off. What kind of horrible friend was I turning out to be that I had forgotten this important tidbit? I reasoned that as long as she could make it through the phone interview there would be plenty of time to sign herself out of the hospital, hop a cab home and get gussied up for her on-air debut. I mean, I’d never met this chick but I knew her well enough to know that if it meant getting paid to talk some trash it was on like Donkey Kong.

So I ignored my mom’s “you’ll see” sighs and bid her adieu as I prepared to rock out my questionnaire. I filled out my name, address, phone number, email, age, occupation, teammate’s deets and all the dates I was not available for the next two months. In other words – I left that question completely blank. Page two was all about my love affair with trash and places I liked to acquire it. I could tell they were investigating my picker strategies and gave a lot of thought to my answers. A wave of credibility washed over me when I came to this question:

Please describe your design experience (ex.  Are you an “upcylcer”, “picker”, “blogger”, etc).

Apparently, my years in design school paled in comparison to the 35 blog posts I’ve knocked out or maybe this was their way of encouraging non-professionals to apply. I resisted the urge to point out a typo (is it really an error if it’s not a real word?) and rated my creativity an 11 on a scale of 1-10 tacking on a bonus point for having caught the eye of the show’s design carpenter.

What’s funny about the form is that it asks you to describe your partner in detail. Who is the more animated one? Who has better haggling skills?  What gives you two the edge? And you would think this would be a hard thing to complete based on someone you have never met. And you’d be wrong! I swear, the hours we have spent chattering away online equate to years of standard ‘getting to know you’ time spent face-to-face.

When I finished up I considered (as a worst case scenario) completing Evey’s application too. It would be easy to point out all the reasons she loves me. {smile}

The email had a second attachment. I downloaded it and it was a recap of everything I’ve told you so far. Except for one minor detail.

FMF flyer

Did you catch it? I almost missed it too. But there at the bottom of the page are the words that shattered my dreams of becoming trash-to-treasure royalty and drove me straight in to the arms of Häagen-Dazs.

A little misty eyed, I reread my carefully crafted questionnaire. It was perfect. It oozed personality. It begged to be on television. It taunted me to stretch the truth. But, that wouldn’t have made Mom proud. So, I didn’t change my address to the janitor’s closet’s address Elaine used to score kung pao chicken. And I didn’t attempt to work out a lengthy response that somehow stretched the definition of ‘area’. And, I promise that I wasted no time calculating the cost to UHaul my goods out east.

Instead, I sighed a big, dramatic, Hollywood-worthy sigh, sunk down in my seat and admitted defeat. I whipped off an email to the casting agent with regrets of my geographical deficiency. I replied to David, thanking him for his futile effort to ignite my competitive flame. Then I gave my buddy, my partner the bad news.

I don’t have to know her to know she died a little inside too. Sadly, there would be no #deeveytrashtalk trending soon.

Watching the show last night was heartbreaking but I tell you what – if Lara and her crew ever come mining garbage gold in my neck of the woods, my paperwork’s ready. I’ll have to find a local partner unless my Mom is up for the challenge. And I’m sure Evey will whip up some celebratory bonbons when we win.

Update: Shortly after I posted this – this happened.

9 thoughts on “Bonbons on the Casting Couch

  1. Are u kidding? Why can't you just fly out that way and stay someplace in the tri-state area? Why do you HAVE to live in NY/NJ/CT? Don't they know they've just missed the best ratings opportunity in the universe- to have YOU on their show! What???? PROTESTPROTESTPROTEST!!!!

  2. Darn it, I was getting all excited for the two of you. And maybe a wee bit jealous. Don't worry, you're on their radar now- next up will be a show of your own. 🙂

    • Oh no. I could never have my own show (for many reasons) but it would have been cool to be on this one. Ces la vie. If it's meant to be….

  3. Word. I got your bon bons lady. Also, please you think for a MINUTE I would be mad you forgot I was in the hospital?! LOL When has that ever stopped ANYTHING!?!? sigh. I love you.

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